All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
