Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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