My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
