Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
