remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
