remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
