I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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