How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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