According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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