can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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