The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
