Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
