Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
