first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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