Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
