I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
