Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
