Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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