no, he came in my armpit
if i died would you start the facebook group?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
