I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
