The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
