Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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