Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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