i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
