i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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