A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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