I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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