so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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