Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
