My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
