Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
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