I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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