I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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