I cannot find my penis.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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