I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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