I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize