He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
