im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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