i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
