Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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