I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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