you didnt know i had herpes?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
