Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
