You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize