Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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