Quick, to the slutcave!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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