Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
