Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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