i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
