I could have mohawked her pubes.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
