Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
