areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
