I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
