Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Randomize
