she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
