no, he came in my armpit
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
