The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
