The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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