he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
They took my balls.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My penis needs a shock collar
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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