Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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